Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
