Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize