oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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