arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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