alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
