Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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