Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize