dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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