a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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