i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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