I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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