hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
