Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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