I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
