I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I stole a fireplace last night.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Enjoy the penises
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Randomize
