If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
