Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Randomize
