she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
