The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Randomize
