I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
