I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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