brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
