If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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