so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
is wine microwaveable?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
