In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
