Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
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