I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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