She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize