Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
