i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
the day after is always just damage control
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
