Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
