I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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