best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
