I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
