I think i sorta joined a cult last night
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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