Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
