He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
