No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
