those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize