he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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