she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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