Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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