I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
