so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
im six kinds of drunk right now
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Damn victory sex feels great
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
