Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
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