Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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