I think i peed on brittanys purse
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You ruined the universe
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