i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
home. puking in laundry basket.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Ladies don't puke and tell
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize