I think I won the penis lottery.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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