She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
just tell him i said nine months
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
