I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
