well I can't set my house on fire every night
i was born a porn star she said
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
