Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
