I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
