she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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