I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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