gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
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