I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
