Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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