You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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