my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
