guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
