Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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