It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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