I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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