I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
