you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize