Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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